


how could the universe ever call this fated?

by GhostGrrl



Category: Given (Anime), Given (Manga)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys In Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, My First Work in This Fandom, Ritsuka tries to pick up the pieces, insecure Ritsuka
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-12 08:02:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29631555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostGrrl/pseuds/GhostGrrl
Summary: Ritsuka is not sure when it started, but part of him feels like it has always been there from the start. Deep down, lurking. Waiting to surface, until finally it did. And it just grew. It grew into something he wasn't sure that he could handle. He wasn't sure that he should be handling this.Is he mature enough for this? Is he strong enough? Is he good enough?These questions torment him relentlessly. And then he just spirals deeper. Grasping at anything to hold onto- he doesn't want to think about this, but its pointless. It's pointless, and it hurts.orRitsuka finally lets Mafuyu in on all of the feelings he's been keeping inside. All of the insecurities. Everything he's been too afraid to say out loud.
Relationships: Satou Mafuyu/Uenoyama Ritsuka
Comments: 4
Kudos: 76





	how could the universe ever call this fated?

“I was feeling insecure you might not love me anymore”  
― John Lennon

_~::~_

Ritsuka has never felt lonely. 

Sure he has been alone. With his parents working, and his elder sister doing her own things he has definitely felt what it is like to be alone. Hours at a time, himself for his own company. But that was different. 

And _this_ is different. 

This though was a loneliness he had never anticipated. He never even imagined it. It snuck up on him like a quick cool breeze. You don't sense it coming, but once it goes through you it is hard to shake. It's cold. 

You feel it's remnants. 

You try desperately to wrap up warmer because you know that breeze will come creeping up again. 

And he feels it especially now, as he lays silently on Mafuyu's bed beside him. They had been enjoying a rainy Saturday together. Mafuyu's mother was working late so the boys treated themselves to takeout.

The amber haired boy only just had fallen asleep, and Ritsuka just doesn't have the heart to wake him. With cautious fingers he gathers the hair that has fallen into Mafuyu’s eyes, tucking it tenderly behind an ear. So fantastically beautiful in his fair skin, and slightly separated lips. God, Ritsuka loves looking at him. Especially moments like now when he is most at peace. When he's _not in pain._

However, sometimes Ritsuka still sees that in even his dreams Mafuyu's not spared. He _definitely_ doesn't hear the whimpers, and he _definitely_ doesn't hear that name. He knows that it's not him he's dreaming of. It’s fine. _They don't need to speak about it._

But it makes the raven haired boy feel so unbelievably lonely. 

This knowledge, this weight, this immovable force that is simply just reality. 

Ritsuka is not sure when it started, but part of him feels like it has always been there from the start. Deep down, lurking. Waiting to surface, until finally it did. And it just grew. It grew into something he wasn't sure that he could handle. He wasn't sure that he should be handling this.

Is he mature enough for this? Is he strong enough? _Is he good enough?_

These questions torment him relentlessly. And then he just spirals deeper. Grasping at anything to hold onto- _he doesn't want to think about this,_ but it's pointless. It's pointless, and it _hurts._

Is he wrong to feel this way? 

Is he being irrational? 

Was he wrong to fall in _love?_

_As if he ever had a choice._

Mafuyu feels like something he dreamt up. Something the universe must have knew that he needed. He was losing himself, his passion, his drive to not only play music, but to really just do anything. Ritsuka had just been existing, and going through the motions of everyday life. Not happy, and not sad. Just grey. 

Then one day he stumbles upon a boy in his secret spot, and Ritsuka doesn't know how it happened but suddenly he could see in colour. 

It baffles him really, how someone like Mafuyu could be so real. How he could be so beautiful, so talented, so small, and yet so big. Mafuyu was everything Ritsuka has ever wanted. Everything he needed. He didn't even know it till it had already happened. 

Falling in love with Mafuyu feels like a privilege only lucky people will ever have in their life. Genuine, heart pulling, and all encompassing love. Ritsuka's heart could burst thinking about exactly how far he'd go to make Mafuyu happy. 

How far he'd go to make sure no one, and _nothing_ ever hurts him again. 

It alarms him nearly what he'd do to ensure he never sees Mafuyu in distress, dispritied, or lost ever again. 

What alarms him considerably more is the steps Ritsuka would take to remove all that torment. 

All that pain. 

That pain that keeps Mafuyu up at night sometimes when he thinks Ritsuka has long fallen asleep. That pain that takes over sometimes in quiet moments, in certain places, after certain words. That pain that Mafuyu doesn't seem to be able to talk about. 

So much pain for such a small person, how could the universe ever call this fated?

How could him and Mafuyu ever have been meant to be together when it feels so clear that Ritsuka is not and will never be the love of that beautiful boy's life. He sees it in the way Mafuyu shrinks into himself, and goes distant. He sees it in the way Mafuyu clutches that red guitar and keeps it close to his chest like it could cease to exist if he put it down- _even now._

A part of him wishes the universe had spared him the experience of falling in love with someone who could never really be his. He would always be the second choice, the place holder...the default. 

Not that Mafuyu does anything purposely to make him feel this way. Ritsuka understands that there are things he doesn't completely know about his past, and that he is still healing. Ofcourse he is still healing, who wouldn't be?

Ritsuka acknowledges that, and he _understands._

That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. 

It hurts to see the person you love in pain. It hurts to see the person you love miss someone else so deeply whilst you wish you could comfort them enough that their thoughts go elsewhere, somewhere, anywhere brighter and warmer, if only for just a second. 

It hurts to feel like you're not enough. 

Ritsuka has never experienced anything quite like this before. It hurts so much sometimes that he can't breathe. Thinking about Mafuyu thinking about _him._

He doesn't want to be selfish, but deep down he does. 

Is it wrong to wish that the person you loved would love you and only you back? 

These feelings of loneliness, jealousness, inferiority, insecurity- God, they could absolutely destroy him. 

_And he'd let it._

He would do anything, _be anything_ , just for the chance to be the one Mafuyu confides in. The one who gets to hold him close. The one who gets to feel his kiss. The one who gets to lay beside him as he sleeps. The one Mafuyu smiles at, even if it's not a genuine one. Even if he's not able to yet. 

Ritsuka loves him so much that he would do anything to his heart just for the chance to put that beautiful boy's heartstrings back together again. 

"Hey. Did I fall asleep?" Mafuyu says gently, stirring awake. Ritsuka's heart flutters- It seems Mafuyu's voice will never not have that effect on him. He smiles. 

Mafuyu leans and places his hand on the raven haired boy's cheek as he gently presses his lips to Ritsuka's. It's only then that Ritsuka realises the wetness on his cheeks. 

"Have you been crying?" Mafuyu asks, sitting up, suddenly. "Your eyes are red. Ritsuka, what's wrong?"

His heart _stops_ . This is not a conversation he is prepared to have. He is not prepared for what could happen as a result. Ritsuka doesn't want to lose him. He _can't_ lose him. Not when he means so much. He is okay pretending. It’s okay. Really

"It's nothing. Don't worry about it." Ritsuka lies. He can’t believe he didn’t realise he had begun to cry. He can’t believe he let it show. 

"Ritsuka please." Mafuyu pleads, eyes wide. "Tell me what's wrong so we can talk about it. So we can try and fix it now, before it has any time to get worse. Please." 

They're both staring at each other now, waiting for words that are stuck in throats. Ritsuka knows he’s been made and needs to fess up, but just doesn't want to make this awkward. He doesn't want to be _that_ boyfriend that's jealous of an ex. He knows these circumstances are different, but he just doesn't want to give Mafuyu any possible reason to give up on him.

_Not when he hasn't even really been given a proper chance yet._

"Do you wish you were still with Yuki?" Ritsuka whispers, like confessing a deadly sin. "Do you wish you were still able to be with him instead of being with me?" 

Mafuyu snap's wide shocked eyes towards the black haired boy. He is silent. Completely frozen, and still completely silent. He suddenly looks like he might cry, and Ritsuka hates himself for it. 

But he’s still silent. So Ritsuka keeps going because he's scared he’ll never get this off his chest if he doesn't do it now. 

“Sometimes I feel like I will just never live up to this great love story that you had. I mean.. he was your first _everything,_ and you loved him. You still do love him don’t you? It feels like there’s nothing left for me. Like there was nothing for me in the first place. I wasn’t a part of the plan for you..this big design. I will never be able to be the person that Yuki was, the person that you cry for, and I feel like… knowing that just hurts you more. And that's okay. Really, it is. I just don’t want you to resent me for it. I don't want you to wake up one day and be disappointed that it's me besides you and not the person you were dreaming about.”

They fall silent again, and Ritsuka has to look away from Mafuyu’s eyes because he's made this beautiful boy cry and his heart breaks at the sight. He hates himself, and his vision is blurring and he didn't even notice he had begun to shake and - 

"Im sorry Ritsuka." Mafuyu interjects, tears streaming down his face. He brings up his sleeve to wipe some away. "I'm so sorry." 

Ritsuka reaches out and wraps his arms around Mafuyu’s shoulder, pulling the smaller boy close, pressing their chests together. 

He wishes he hadn’t said anything. The last thing he wanted was to make Mafuyu’s life harder.

"Why are you sorry? You have nothing to be sorry for. It's me. I'm being irrational. I'm being annoying. It's just something that's been on my mind a lot is all. I am sorry I brought it up really. I still don't know how to say the things I'm thinking because I'm scared to bring up things that you don't want to talk about yet. Or can’t yet. A-and that's okay! I'm sorry for thinking about it at all. I don’t understand why I can't stop. I wish I hadn't brought it up to you, but I also wish I had told you sooner at the same time. I was just scared of ruining this.”

Mafuyu shakes his head vigorously. "Don't do that. Don't dismiss your feelings to make me feel better. " He says, his voice thicker now. "Your feelings are valid okay? And yes, I should definitely be sorry. This is my fault.”

Ritsuka's eyes widened in surprise. He doesn't understand. How could any of this be Mafuyu's fault? This is just Ritsuka making a bigger deal out of nothing important isn't it? Something that they both already knew. It was the truth. He could deal with it. It was fine. He accepted it long ago. So why is this beautiful boy looking at him like he just said something so unbelievably shocking? _Like it was hurting him to hear it or something._

"It's my fault that you don't know how much you mean to me" Mafuyu whispers quietly. “It’s my fault that you don't know how much I love you and how I feel so blessed that you feel the same about me.”

Ritsuka doesn't say anything, he's in shock. He just sits there, mouth hanging open so Mafuyu carries on. 

"God Ritsuka, I love you. I’m in love with _you._ You..you're everything to me. You helped me fall in love with life again. You helped me find my voice. You inspire me every single day, and I don't wish you were someone else." Mafuyu confesses, tears falling freely now. His eyes are so red. Ritsuka doesn’t ever want to let him go. “I could never wish you were someone else. Not when I love the person that you are as much as I do. And Ritsuka, I really do. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to love anyone again at all, but you came out _nowhere._ I can't even explain it. It’s like it was…” 

_Like it was fated._

Mafuyu sniffles, before crying even harder than before. Ritsuka takes his face in his hands. 

Mafuyu’s words hit Ritsuka like a sudden crack of lightning **.** He wasn’t expecting that. He didn’t know what he was expecting exactly, but it certainly wasn't that. He had been so convinced for so long that he wasn't good enough. That he would never be enough. How could he have gotten it so wrong? Ritsuka wipes his eyes but it's futile, he can't stop crying. His heart won't calm down. 

“I love you too Mafuyu. So much. So unbelievably much,” Ritsuka responds softly, prompting the smaller boy to look at him. Mafuyu’s eyes are red and puffy. Ritsuka wants to kiss his tears away. “Do you really mean what you said?” 

“Yes,” Mafuyu breathes. “I mean it with every part of me. And I’m sorry for not opening up to you much about my past. I know this isn’t easy for you either, and I know you just want to be there for me. I love you even more because of it. I’m getting there I promise, and I really appreciate you being so understanding. It just still hurts sometimes, and I’m sure you’ve noticed. The thing is though, I don’t know when it won't hurt anymore.”

 _Or if it ever will._

Ritsuka softens at that, letting out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding. He feels so relieved. He feels so relieved, and he feels so loved. And he feels so stupid to think Mafuyu could ever not love him the same, or as much. 

“But what I do know is that I’m in love with you and you make everything hurt a lot _less._ ” Mafuyu says with conviction. Eyes still watery, but filled with love. There’s so much love.

Ritsuka could drown in it. 

Ritsuka kisses him with everything in him. He pours all his love into hoping that Mafuyu understands what he’s trying to say. Mafuyu’s breath catches, and then he’s kissing back. And he keeps kissing back. And then suddenly Ritsuka is laying on his back, and Mafuyu is still kissing him back. And then there's a slip of tongue, and a hand on a bare waist. And their hands are touching each other gently, but with a mission. And it _burns._ It leaves a mark. It tugs at heartstrings. 

They keep kissing, and they keep touching, and it keeps raining, and they keep _loving._

**Author's Note:**

> not me finally awakening from my four year writers block slumber...  
> Life has been really rough, but Given has honestly made me so happy again.  
> I hope this fic made you happy too.  
> Thankyou for reading < 3


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